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I am not sure if autism is the word for it … but it is a basic personality defect I seem to have where I am not exactly in tune with emotions people have. but am extremely in tune with objects … Like a computer, or a guitar or a car … sometimes I can sense the slightest vibration or reach around a corner in the engine compartment without seeing what is on the other side and thread a bolt on. almost blind folded … music is something I can hear a song and it will stick in my memory and without knowing any other information my fingers move themselves over the fretboard and find the notes to play back what is in my head, like I am not even doing it, it just channels through me. like my brain and my hands are doing something I am not aware of. Singing on the other hand takes all of my concentration. and it is a struggle. getting words out of my mouth in the correct sequence is a constant battle. songs I have learned a long time ago can become jumbled and come out in bits. I will know a whole song, but the first line escapes me. so I have to sing it backwards to get to the beginning and then start. ususally people are waiting wondering when I am going to start, while my brain is processing. my hands will be playing the song, but my brain will be searching for the words. it is all very difficult.

 

 

I am a big shatner fan though .. he was really skinny back then and his shirt mysteriously was torn in every fight scene. I also like how he over acted everything, I am dulled by over stimulation so I need someone to really exaggerate their emotions before I understand what they are talking about. I guess that is the downfall of all of my relationships. by the time I understand what is going on, the female is usually just like fuck it … I guess it is an autism of sorts. thats why I am good at drawing and mechanical things, and bad at emotional outbursts … people sometimes can insult me or praise me and it takes me a couple of hours to register what happened … it is a lonely sort of disconnection … I can have brief moments of “being there” but I tend to fade and get tired by the process. talking it another issue. I have moments where it is a struggle to get my mouth to spit out the words. other times it is fluid. this is perceived as retardedness or rudeness, but my mind works in pictures not words.

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One thought on “borderline autism …

  1. Pingback: borderline autism … – What Is Autism In Children?

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