I read a lot of self help top 10 lists when I do stumble upon. I thought I needed to share my wisdom on how I have lived a super successful life so you can learn from my great depths of wisdom. I know you are struggling all the time and can’t figure this stuff out so I am hear to help you poor human wrecks.

1. Take the time to not stab your leg with a fork. I know you want to. I want to. Stab your leg with a fork that is. I mean it is this big blank arean of skin with absolutely NO forks embedded in it. But believe me it is not worth it.

2. Stop and smell the roses. I know right? who ever thought of this? but believe it or not they smell pretty good. and you should probably smell them.

3. DO NOT stop and smell the dog turds. Dog turds smell bad. Also do not eat the dog turds. I do not know what they taste like but judging from the smell I would say BAD.

4. Remember to call you mom. She is very worried about you and you can never really call her enough. On second thought make the old hag suffer. She probably did something in your childhood to make you feel bad one time so now is your chance to pay her back. You ungrateful piece of crap.

5. Eat healthy food. I know. Again this is the great type of wisdom you will find here. enjoy my friend. enjoy.

6. Avoid people who steal from you. I am not saying never see them, you would never have any friends if you didn’t have cool junk they wanted to steal God knows you can’t hold a decent conversation.

7. become spiritual instead of religious. This makes it so you have no real belief system to be affixed to. So if someone calls you out saying “hey you slept with my sister didn’t you?” You can just say it was part of your spiritual journey and you weren’t hung up on things like the ten commandments man!

8. eat desserts as often as possible. switch to an all desert diet at least one day a week. Lets face it you will never look like Brad pitt. Your face is all fucked up. so eat up.

9. Say creepy things to girls. They will make a face and act like they hate it, but they will remember you. They may remember to avoid you. but at least you will be your true self, which is of course, a creep.

10. the most important thing of all is …. read this list make a inner promise to do all of these things … then feel like shit when you never do any of them …

Now don’t you feel better?   semper fi!

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