Compression burn-01

For some people Christmas is a magical time of year where joyful songs play in their heads and gifts shower upon them from Holy bags that never run out of the material things they desire. For most people though Christmas is a huge pain in the ass. Suicide rates go through the roof. Single people randomly hook up with anyone that has a pulse so they don’t have to be reminded at every turn that they are still alone at 44 and have no prospects. Laughing families hold hands and dance around single people during Christmas laughing dancing in a circle saying “you suck! we are awesome! have a merry christmas and give us money for the charities we are working for for free because we have more free time than you !”  But I digress, If for one second you forget it’s Christmas you will be reminded at every turn by Christmas Music!

here is my top ten list of the ones I hate the most:

10.) Rocking Around the Christmas tree – holy shit this makes me crazy! –  what do sex, drugs and rock and roll have to do with Christmas trees?

9.) Jingle Bells – Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way – I can feel the rage build up inside of me …

8.) All I want for Christmas is you! – in cage in my basement

7.) Deck the halls – ok , who in the year 2012 is decking anything?
what is a bough? Who are you to tell me what I should do with my holly?

6.) Do they know it’s Christmas? – yea great idea! let’s tell the poor kids who aren’t getting jack shit for Christmas all about this holiday in America where we buy each other a bunch of crap we don’t need, with money we don’t have only to throw it out and do it all over again each year. Accumulating years of debt and land fill for our children’s children. Have another rat sandwich. Which is the main source of protein in undeveloped non Christmas having countries.

5.) Do you hear what I hear? – another stupid question song.

4.) Grandma got run over by a reindeer – nothing more hilarious then killing a family member – bob & tom are still somewhere laughing their asses off to this one, in that fake laugh they use on every lame joke … since 1984

3.) Have your self a merry little Christmas –  I have met  Mary Little, her Christmas’s are not that great.

2.) Santa Claus is coming to town – This ode to paranoia was written to keep children from having too much joy and bothering daddy and mommy recover from their hangovers. “making a list, checking it twice, you’ll be hit with a stick if you don’t act real nice” Santa Claus is coming to town (to beat your ass, now get daddy a beer)

1A.) Jingle bell rock – This is another half assed attempt to cash in on the rock and roll fad of the 1950’s .. only this one is taking a shitty song up a notch by adding the word Rock to it. Song names they threw out before they settled on this one – silent night rock, ode to joy rock, Pacabels cannon rock., twelve days of Christmas rock! .. you get the idea …

1B.) We need a little Christmas – Right this very minute ! don’t relax a second! just keep getting Christmas! NOW NOW NOW – this is the song that is playing in the background when fights break out at shopping malls …

ok I that should do it – now get out there, buy some plastic stuff and try not to loose it …


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