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0823111232bSo a lot of people seem to be coming to staples more and more since xmas is approaching (why? the world may never know), and it seems that they are all clueless about how stores work. So if you are one of these people, I have created a guide to help you navigate the confusing turmoils that is staples. And even though this is specifically for staples, I am sure these tips will help you at many other retail stores. So here we are:

THE TOP TEN TIPS TO SHOPPING AT STAPLES:

1. Lets just get this clear now. I don’t know anything about these obscure pens you are asking about. I don’t know whats in the ink. I don’t know where it was made. I don’t know how many letters per inch this pen can affectively write. If the answer is not on the box, I don’t know the answer. We sell 15 billion kinds of pens. This is an office supply store. I am sure its fine. (P.S. this also goes for folders, binder clips, paper clips, anything that says “brookstone” on it, and that one set of obscure shower speakers that no one ever buys.)

2. You’re not that funny. Just because I am laughing, doesn’t mean whatever you said is funny. Especially is it is “that was easy.” For every 10,345,657,875 jokes people try to tell me. Only one is ever actually passable. Think of me as a very high class escort. My job is to fake as much enthusiasm about whatever you are doing as possible to make you feel better about yourself. What I’m really doing is counting down the seconds until you actually leave so I can resume eating my combos I have hidden under the register.

3. If you are a man who is old enough to be my father, stop trying to relate to me by name you see on my name tag as much as possible. Just because you are using my name, doesn’t make me feel special. Its annoying. Just purchase your 30 resume paper and go. I don’t want your business card, and I don’t care if you think I’m pretty. Of course you do. I’m 19. I’m younger than your wife. I’m not interested.
4. The pinpads where you swipe your card are pretty new, so there is no need to mercilessly beat the crap out of it with your pen. Did it ever occur to you that these things break because you are repeatedly stabbing it? Who told you that was effective? Did you have a bad day? Calm down. Take a deep breath and just press the button like a normal person.

5. On a related note, If you are worried about being charged twice, then I would suggest NOT swiping it 14 times before its ready to be swiped. If you looked at the screen, it says “please wait for the cashier.” Also, just because your card didn’t instantly go through, and it took more than 3 seconds, that doesn’t make it free. That joke isn’t funny either (refer back to part 3).

6. There is absolutely nothing I can do with the last 4 digits of your credit card number. When was the last time you went somewhere and all you needed to pay was the last 4 numbers? No where. Because its trivial. Same goes for your signature. What Am I just gonna go to a car lot with your signature on a piece of paper? “Yeah I dont have a credit card, or any money at all, but I’ve got this arbitrary signature on a piece of paper…. will that work?” “Oh yeah sure thats fine.” No. Just no,

7. We close at 9 (6 on sundays). So don’t show up at 9:15 and then make angry faces at me through the windows. Because I WILL ignore you. I don’t care. In fact, in that moment, I hate you. I don’t care who you are, I’m making 8 dollars an hour whether you need a printer or not. And the extra 15 minutes I’ll get paid for is not worth the extra 15 minutes I can spend looking at LOLcats at home. Go to Walmart. It’s probably cheaper there anyway.

8. Don’t bring your dog into the store. You would think I wouldn’t have to say this, seeing that this IS an office supply store. A carpeted office supply store…. but apparently some people may have missed that. Did it ever occur to you that maybe someone who works here or someone shopping even, could be allergic to dogs? Or maybe I just don’t wanna have to watch your dog lounge around the store while you look at iphone 5 cases. And I think its safe to say, that your dog is probably the only other living being that is LOATHING its time here as much as I do. If it’s not e seeing-eye dog, I would probably leave at home.

9. We can’t sell you just one piece of paper, you DO have to buy the whole pack. I am sure you can find SOMETHING to do with it.

10. And finally, this seems to be like one of the hardest concepts for people to grasp, but I am commonly mistaken for the CEO of staples. Truthfully, I am not. I am actually just a cashier (as stated on my name tag which I am obligated to wear), and this may come as a shock to you, but I actually have no say. On anything. I can’t magically make you’re paper clips cheaper, or the color you want. And I don’t get to decide what we sell in the store. I have no say at all, in fact you, as a customer are more important to staples than me. So don’t waste your time.

 

written by Ava Laube

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